REHOBOTH!

I'll see you there, right?

Rob Byrnes: Straight Lies
Reading & Signing
Food, Drink, Byrnes!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
7:00 PM to 9:00 PM
Gallery 50
50 Wilmington Avenue
Rehoboth Beach, DE

Don't make me beg.

NEW MOCKABILITY!

OMG! OMG! OMG! [Do you feel the irony?]

This guy makes our friends at Queerty sound like brain surgeons.

Nature hates a vacuum, so this is what eventually had to happen when Brat Boy disappeared... Zac?! Time to get busy!

THE DEMOCRATIC FIRING SQUAD (AND OTHER AMUSEMENTS)

For the next couple of weeks, I'm going to be too busy to maintain this blog in the manner to which you've become accust--

Oh, hell, who am I fooling? I'm trying to be a better blogger again! But micro-updates on Facebook and Twitter are easier. Forgive me! I'll get back into it soon.

But not for another few weeks. In the meantime, here are a few (relatively short) things on my mind. Because when you're old, like I am Billy Hufsey is, you turn into Andy Rooney and Larry King. (You think I mock? Well, yes... but I'd trade my dignity for their income any day.)

Oh, and -- here's some irony for you -- each item is short, but cumulatively it adds up to one long-ass entry. Still, I have to grab my free half-hours when I can get them. Anyway...


ALBANY, TURNCOATS, AND GAY MARRIAGE

Yesterday's coup in Albany was sort of bad for the Democrats, but probably won't have much impact on the Marriage Equality bill. Frankly (and with hope that I am wrong), I never saw this as its year. Marriage equality will come to the Empire State soon, but not, I think, in the 2009-2010 session.

Again, I hope I'm wrong, but I worked there for 14 years... which, for the uninitiated, is an obscenely long time for a staff member. I may not have been smart enough to cash in on my career when the going was good, but I'm smart enough to know how Albany works.

In any event gay marriage will rise or (most likely) fall on its support among the elected members of the Senate; not because Malcolm Smith or Dean Skelos is running the chamber.

Still, it's fascinating how the Democrats manage to screw things up over and over and over again. My former employer -- a member of the State Assembly Democratic leadership, circa the late '80s and early '90s -- used to say that New York State Democrats only know one formation for a firing squad: a circle. True that.


ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 1

After a zillion years on a keyboard -- badly on a keyboard, but nevertheless on a keyboard -- I was only recently clued in that Shift-Enter made a line-break. Now I can't stop doing it.


WORLDS COLLIDING!

This is ironic, considering I just sat on a panel at the Saints & Sinners conference on writing while holding down a day job. During the discussion, I said that I was only starting to "come out" as a writer to people I'm associated with professionally, despite the four novels I've had published while I've held the job. I'd never exactly hidden the writing, but I thought the type of admittedly light fiction I write would reflect on my 9-to-5 professional(-ish) persona.

Over the years, of course, many people caught on. Which isn't a surprise when you write and 9-to-5 under the same name (I seldom even use "Robert" at work.) Not a big deal either; I've had a chance to prove myself professionally since 2002, so I have a deep comfort level these days.

Or so I thought. Until a week ago, when my "work" City Council Member friended me (and when did "friend" become a verb?) on Facebook. Followed a few days later by my "work" State Assemblymember. And God only knows who's next.

I accepted the friend requests without comment, but I hope that they realize they've become friends with Famous Author Rob Byrnes, not 9-to-5 Rob Byrnes. If not, well... I'll ply them with many martinis and snap embarassing photos, because that's how FARB handles these potentially awkward situations. Online, I am FARB, and people have to deal with that.


ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 2

When I went to put my contact lenses in on Saturday morning, my right one wasn't in the case. After a quick and unsuccessful inspection of the bathroom, I figured it had fallen into the sink and was gone. So I wore glasses all weekend.

On Monday morning I found it dried out and stuck to a towel. I put it in the case with some solution and, 15 minutes later, it more or less came back to life. Now I can wear contacts again.

Note that none of this would have come close to approaching a crisis if I had picked up my prescription three months ago and had a few replacement pairs in stock. But the moral here is that this blog isn't my only form of procrastination.



SEE ME! FEEL ME! READ ME! INVITE ME!
or: REHOBOTH, ATLANTA, INSIGHTOUT, AND...
SAN FRANCISCO?

Remember I'll be in Rehoboth Beach in two weeks. June 27, to be precise. Details here. Please come.

And I'll be making my virgin appearance at Atlanta's OutWrite Bookstore on July 13. I have heard nothing but good about Philip Rafshoon and his OutWrite peeps, but I also don't want to be reading alone. So be there!

And this is good news! Straight Lies is the best-selling book right now at InsightOut Book Club! Join the club, discover some great LGBT(QI -- heh heh) writers, and get Straight Lies as an exlusive hardcover. What! is not to love?

Okay, one last thought on this. If I squeeze my pennies until they drip copper blood, I might be able to go to San Francisco in August. Listen, I know I'll never sell enough books to make my trip worth it financially, but that's not the point. Still, I don't want to fly 3,000 miles if I'm reading to air. I know NDT thinks this a good idea (yes, NDT; we are the Odd Couple of the blogosphere), but does anyone else agree?


ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 3
I need to manscape. Or at least trim my eyebrows. Before they look like, well... Andy's or Larry's.


ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 4
OMG! My glass is not half-full. Nor is it half-empty! It's ALL EMPTY!!

Okay, thanks folks! Have a wonderful night!

CRIMES OF LITERATURE

So I'm reading this article about a rip-off of J. D. Salinger when I come to this:

Author "John David California" said the message was described as a Caulfield-style tribute to a "great inspiration."

"John David California"? What?!

From my novel Trust Funds Boys:

"So who's the guy with Jeffrey Ryan?"

"That," he said, "is John Jacob Venezuela. He has a gossip column in Haute Manhattan which is just about the first thing everyone reads when the magazine comes out. If there is social dirt to dish, he dishes it."

"John David California"... "John Jacob Venezuela"... coincidence? Oh, hell no! I know when I'm being ripped off.

Oh... er... pay no attention to this. That was pure coincidence. *coff*

JUNE UPDATE

Hmm. Once again, I've realized after the fact that my promotional efforts are a bit scattershot. So for those of you not on my mailing list, read this June update and know All Things FARB. (And how do you get on my mailing list? Simply: just e-mail me.)


*********

Hello, peoples! Happy Monday or Happy June... take your pick! (You picked "Happy June," didn't you. Because almost no one likes Mondays. The exception being Michael Thomas Ford. Go figure.)

Just a few quick updates for you, as well as a Special Guest Perspective on why it's important that you patronize your local independent bookseller (and with which I wholeheartedly agree.) First, though, the updates. Because you need the latest news on Straight Lies and my other novels, or else you will be very, very sad.


UPCOMING STRAIGHT LIES BOOK EVENTS

Rehoboth Beach, DE; Saturday, June 27, 7:00 PM -- 9:00 PM
I'll be reading and signing at Gallery 50 Contemporary Art, 50 Wilimington Avenue
I expect to see everyone in the Washington-Baltimore-Philadelphia vicinity that weekend. Don't make me think you're avoiding me...

Atlanta, GA; Monday, July 13, 7:30
I'll be reading and signing at OutWrite Bookstore & Coffeehouse, 991 Piedmont Avenue
At this event, I'd better see everyone from south of Virginia and east of the Mississippi. Hey, I am flying a long way; the least you can do is show up.

NOW: EVEN MORE BYRNES ON THE INTERNET
Hmm. I just noticed that my website (www.robbyrnes.net) is already out of date. I'll fix that right away (meaning, when I get a chance.) In the meantime, you can still read my blog, become my Facebook friend, and -- brand new! -- follow me on Twitter. (Too much of a good thing? Naaaah.)


MAY IN REVIEW
The Saints & Sinner Literary Festival in New Orleans was fantastic, and I met a lot of great people (and got to see many of my favorites again.) It's hard to think of a single highlight... there were too many of them. But let's just say that the long nightly poolside get-togethers with my friends Becky Cochrane, Timothy J. Lambert, Jeff Ricker, David Puterbaugh, 'Nathan Burgoine, Greg Herren, and assorted spouses and friends made the weekend extra special. (And you should be reading their work, too.) At the end of the month, I attended the Lambda Literary Awards ceremony, where -- despite my best efforts -- I was unable to steal any awards. But I did get to meet writers Bill Konigsberg (a Lammy winner for Out of the Pocket) and Drew Ferguson (a finalist for The Screwed Up Life of Charlie the Second), which sort of made up for it.


SPEAKING OF WRITERS
New book alerts: my friend Frank Anthony Polito's new novel Drama Queers! has just been released! Frank's Band Fags! was one of my favorite books of 2008, so don't miss the new one. Also new: Monday-lover Michael Thomas Ford's What We Remember. Both books are from Kensington Publishing.


AND NOW, ON TO OUR SPECIAL GUEST
Earlier in the month, I had an interesting e-mail exchange with Ed Hermance of Philadelphia's LGBT independent bookstore, Giovanni's Room. Long story short: I asked Ed to put some thoughts together on why we should all be patronizing our independent bookstores, and he sent me the following. I urge you to read it. This is important.

Dear Friends,

Everyone knows that bookstores are in trouble: people don't read as much, in tight times everyone needs to buy at the cheapest price, e-books may catch on and there's so far no role for bookstores in selling e-books, people think they can't buy from local stores via the internet, people spend so much money of technology that they don't have any left for books and movies.

Are there any reasons to buy from a gay bookstore?

A gay store often has a staff of dedicated professionals who have worked with gay materials for many years. In the case of Giovanni's Room, which is my store, the staff has more than a hundred years' experience with lesbian, gay, bi, and trans books and movies. Customers can bring up the most shadowy information for a book or movie they want, and we can often turn the request into a sale or an order. Recently a woman was looking for information that would provide the context for the play she was writing about two African American lesbian teens in love in Greenwich Village in the late 1950s. We were able to produce a stack of ten or so books that bore directly on the subject.

Similarly our experience gives us the best chance to recommend books that you might like. You tell us what you have liked, and we will give you our informed suggestions of what you might to read next.

A regular customer has the advantage of seeing the full range of new books and movies in our subjects and can conveniently survey them in a few minutes. Gay stores assess the gay content of materials in a much more intense and informed way than general booksellers, bricks-and-mortar variety or online. If you want to see what's new, you need to depend on a gay bookseller, online or off.

Your local economy affects your life profoundly. Supporting a local store means that more of your dollars stay in the community where you live. Local stores hire local people, pay local taxes, and pay attention to local interests and concerns. Buying locally reduces your carbon footprint by stopping the long-distance hauling that some imagine is the future of retail business.

Your bookstore probably hosts a number of events, usually readings, each year. Readings can foster a sense of community, even of a transnational community.
A local appearance gives you topnotch, free entertainment-a chance to meet some of the most creative people alive.

Gay stores are perfectly capable of getting you any book available. All booksellers buy from the same sources, so we can buy anything any other online or off line retailer can buy. If you buy every book and movie from an lgbt store, you are increasing its ability to sustain a deeper lgbt inventory.

Thanks, Ed. I couldn't have said it better myself (which, come to think of it, is why I made you write it!)

That's all for this update. Now go make your travel arrangements for Rehoboth and Atlanta!

--Rob

BUT WHO DOESN'T *HEART* PANDAS?

Oh! My! God! Best story ever, and somehow I missed it!

(Via this, which is also awesome!)

LAMBDA LITERARY AWARD WINNERS

But first... I had a great time last night, and met some way fun people that I'm sure will become close friends. Until they get to know me better, at least. I barely caught the last ferry back to New Jersey, meaning I was up far too late... truly the sign of a good time.

Oh, also, someone needs to feed Christopher Rice. Or maybe I'm just jealous... fat and jealous... and bitter.

ANYWAY! Last night's winners were:

BISEXUAL
Open, by Jenny Block, Seal Press

TRANSGENDER
Intersex (For Lack of a Better Word), by Thea Hillman, Manic D Press

LGBT ANTHOLOGIES
Our Caribbean, edited by Thomas Glave, Duke University Press

LGBT CHILDRENS/YOUNG ADULT
Out of the Pocket, by Bill Konigsberg, Dutton
[PS: I met Bill last night and he is so much fun!]

LGBT DRAMA... which sort of seems redundant
The Second Coming of Joan of Arc, by Carolyn Gage, Outskirts Press

LGBT NONFICTION
Loving The Difficult, by Jane Rule, Hedgerow Press

LGBT SCI-FI/FANTASY/HORROR
Turnskin, by Nicole Kimberling, Blind Eye Books

LGBT STUDIES
Criminal Intimacy: Prison and the Uneven History of Modern American Sexuality, by Regina Kunzel, The University of Chicago Press

LESBIAN DEBUT FICTION
The Bruise, by Magdalena Zurawski, Fiction Collective Two/University of Alabama Press

LESBIAN EROTICA
In Deep Waters 2: Cruising the Strip, by Radclyffe and Karen Kallmaker, Bold Strokes Books

LESBIAN FICTION (a tie!)
The Sealed Letter, by Emma Donoghue, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
All the Pretty Girls, by Chandra Mayor, Conundrum Press

LESBIAN MEMOIR/BIOGRAPHY
Sex Talks to Girls, by Maureen Seaton, University of
Arkansas Press

LESBIAN MYSTERY
Whacked, by Josie Gordon, Bella Books

LESBIAN POETRY
love belongs to those who do the feeling, by Judy Grahn, Red Hen Press

LESBIAN ROMANCE
The Kiss That Counted, by Karin Kallmaker, Bella Books

GAY DEBUT FICTION
Finlater, by Shawn Ruff, Quote Editions

GAY EROTICA
Best Gay Erotica 2009, edited by Richard Labonte & James Lear, Cleis Press

GAY FICTION
We Disappear, by Scott Heim, HarperCollins

GAY MEMOIR/BIOGRAPHY
Edward Carpenter: A Life of Liberty and Love, by Sheila Rowbotham, Verso Books

GAY MYSTERY
First You Fall, by Scott Sherman, Alyson Books

GAY POETRY (another tie!)
Fire to Fire, by Mark Doty, HarperCollins
Now You're the Enemy, by James Allen Hall, University of Arkansas Press

GAY ROMANCE
Got 'til it's Gone, by Larry Duplechan, Arsenal Pulp Press


Congratulations to all the winners! You are now as awesome as I am!

A BOLD AND POSSIBLY DOOMED EXPERIMENT

I am going to try to Twitter the Lambda Literary Award winners as they are announced tonight.

Note that the word "try" is a central part of the previous sentence. Many factors -- connectivity, darkness, drunkeness, short attention span -- could interfere with my plans. Still, "try" I shall.

To follow the probable debacle, follow me on Twitter!

NOT THAT I WANT TO SAY IT, BUT...

(via Joe.My.God.)

...I told you so. I told you to vote for Hillary Clinton. Or at least not run away with your expectations for Obama. Like here. And here.

Okay, probably nothing would be any different today. But at least most Clinton supporters didn't have stars in their eyes and think that every time Obama defecated, another rainbow unicorn was born.

So I'm an old cynical guy, mired in Realpolitik. Sue me.

And welcome to the real world.

Now, what to do next? I wish I could answer that easily. We are on the winning curve of success, but we aren't there yet. Still, I think we're so close that political strategizing will prove more potent than blind protest.

Then again, I've been wrong before. Not often, but it's happened.

EVEN MORE OF A GOOD THING

I forgot to mention this earlier, but -- in addition to this blog, RobByrnes.net, and Facebook -- I'm also now on Twitter. See the sidebar for information on how to follow stalk me.

Okay, admittedly I haven't spent much time yet on Twitter. But I'm getting there. And you wouldn't want to miss those as-they-happen updates on what I'm having for breakfast, would you?

KIDS TODAY

While scanning my apartment complex's tenant website this morning, the title of the following post jumped out at me:


It's probably a sign of my age that the first thing I thought when I saw "PCP" was that the poster was very audacious. Not "primary care physician."

DISSED AGAIN

I could have been a ghost-writer! This just isn't fair!

Oh wait. Yes it is.

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE

I haven't looked at my referrals lately, so... what have we here?

Yep. All kinds of strange.



"Billy Hufsey fucking"? "Sean Penn disembowel"? "Doris Roberts bitch"? "Famous mouth breathers"?

I have the most awesome readers EVER!

But... I can't help you. Billy and I share a birthday, but we haven't shared sex tips. I think he's probably straight. Not that that would prevent him from fucking, but it would probably make me tune out if he was telling me about it.

As for Sean, well... this ain't a snuff blog. Yet. Come back in a few months when I'm really desperate for readers.

Oh, and Doris Roberts probably is a bitch, but -- again -- I have no first hand knowledge. You might want to ask Billy Hufsey.

And I also no longer write about Queerty. So you'll have to find your mouth-breathers on another blog. (Was that mean? My bad.)

But don't give up all hope. I can help you on one search item: "you gave me a chubby."

And so The Paperboy Story reemerges.

Thank you, random Googlers, for helping me feel young and vital for one more last time!

BACK IN BUSINESS

Hola and holla, kids! (Because it sounds very natural for 50-year-old ultra-WASPs to yell "holla!" But still...)

I am back from the Saints & Sinners Literary Festival with a new attitude. About writing, and maybe about myself as a contributing member to the varied body of gay literature. That's a lot more than I had planned to come home with.

One issue I had hoped to resolve in my head -- but didn't -- is what comes next. I sorta kinda maybe think I know, but I also sorta kinda maybe have to think a bit more.

But what a weekend! What great people!

Some quick mental snapshots:

David Puterbaugh's Airplane Story

Marika's Rendition of "The Lonely Goatherd"...
in a Goat Voice.

Watching David, Jeff Ricker, and 'Nathan Burgoine
Read for the First Time

Waiting for "George Glass"

Sitting on a Panel with Betsy Becky Cochrane, Greg Herren,
Jess Wells, and Marty Hyatt

Meeting and Drinking with Michael
Thomas Ford and Andrew Beierle

And this:



If Jesus was a gay writer, you just know the Last Supper would have been at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville in New Orleans, right?

There were too many good times to recount, and too many fun and fascinating people to list without forgetting someone. Trust me: you should have been there.

I was one of the few people without a camera. Which is good for the people whose heads would have otherwise been cut off. But in the next day or two I'll try to link to most of the photo collections from the weekend.

Beyond the fun, though, was some priceless education and -- most importantly -- the kick in the ass I've needed for a quite a while to get back to work. Because writing isn't a hobby you should pick up or drop based on your whim of the day. It is rewarding work, but it is work... and I need to start punching the clock again.

Stay tuned.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT 2001 ANYMORE

By now, you've seen this photo so much that it probably no longer registers with you.

Yes, it's me. But it's me in the spring of 2001. A lot of time has passed but, on my book jackets (and blog... and Facebook and...) I have remained forever 42 years old.

So a few weeks ago, I did something about that. And now there is a new Official Famous Author Rob Byrnes Head Shot:



And here are some of the runners-up:

The judges said: "Too serious."

The judges said: "These are great if you're running for office. Not so great for a book jacket or poster."

The judges said: "These would be perfect for the day job, but maybe too formal for the book business."


The portraits, by the way, were taken by Ron Jautz of Jautz Photography. He is not responsible for any weight gain, hair loss, or general physical disintegration.

LIFE'S TOUGH WHEN YOU'RE A TEA-BAGGER

From today's New York Post:

Retired NYPD Lt. Sean Jordan, 43, of Westchester, turned up with his 17-year-old son, Connor, both bearing signs describing their disgust with the economy.

So wait. A 43-year-old man who is retired on a public pension and can now sit on his ass for the next 40 or 50 years courtesy of the taxpayer has the audacity to join in this "tea bag protest"?

I appreciate the job our police officers do for us, but that kind of tea-bagging really takes balls.

MY LAST WORDS ON THE AMAZON FIASCO

Or should I call it the Amazon Grease Fire. It flared hot for a short time, then someone at Amazon found the baking soda. Now all that remains is a charred frying p--

Oh wait. That metaphor sucks. So let's move on.

As opposed to earlier telling concerned correspondents that many titles (over 57,000) had been reclassified due to "adult content," and then shrugging it off as a "glitch," Amazon now terms what happened "embarrassing and ham-fisted." That is an acknowledgment I can and do readily accept.

While I do not consider the ensuing firestorm (or at least my little part of it) to be embarrassing or ham-fisted, a few notes are in order:

1. Admittedly, I (and thousands of others) first thought this problem mainly affected LGBT books, when there were many other titles that fell into the void. Therefore, while it did effectively wipe LGBT books off the radar for four or five days, I should not have called it "discriminatory."

2. Since Amazon customer service representatives were the first to claim this was the result of corporate policy, I do not regret using words like "idiotic" and "inconsistent." The fact that those representatives passed along bad information is Amazon's fault; not mine.

3. I also don't regret being angry, or writing that the "glitch" excuse was bullshit. I was, and it was.

4. If you have reading comprehension problems (and I think some people do), please read the following words slooooowly:

I. Never. Called. For. A. Boycott.

I. Never. Joined. A. Boycott.
All I wanted was an explanation, and for the problem to be fixed right away. That happened.

5. To the extent anyone didn't know about the problem before I did, I have no regrets about informing them. Writers and publishing professionals should have been clued in -- this directly affected us in the wallet -- and LGBT advocates should also be notified.

6. All in all, the firestorm was worth it. Yes, many people lost their shit over this, but you know what? If people hadn't complained en masse, Amazon might not have felt the necessity and urgency to get to the bottom of the problem... and make sure it doesn't happen again.

7. The victim thing? Yeah, that is totally overplayed these days.

8. I don't consider Amazon to be the enemy. Amazon is a great resource for many people who'd otherwise have no access to LGBT books. (By the same token, not every gay independent bookstore deserves your love. But, again, I'm keeping that rant to myself for now.)

9. And finally... Maybe a few good lessons came out of this. Advocates (of all stripes) can be effective agents for change, but everyone -- including myself -- might want to take a few deep breaths before firing up the torch and storming the castle. Corporate responsiveness -- which, in the end, Amazon demonstrated -- is an effective tool to retain customer; corporate dismissiveness -- which was Amazon's initial response -- is not.

Oh, and the most important thing we learned? After being blacked out since last Thursday, Straight Lies has a sales rank of 30,074 as of this moment.

That's news you can use.